My gaming schism - a philosophical and personal essay

[Diz]

* WARNING - EXTREMELY INCOHERENT, EXCRUCIATINGLY LENGHTY POST - TLDR VERSION IS 'Diz had an emo gamer identity crisis, finds solace and game redemption in IPY 2.0' *

* SECONDARY WARNING - AS IF MORE TEXT IS NEEDED - THE POST IS SO DAMN LONG IT WOULDN'T FIT IN ONE POST SO READ BOTH FOR THE WHOLE THING. *

There are times when I question my gaming instincts.

Sometimes I play a new game and expect to pick it up right away, I may struggle, but I get better over time and enjoy the challenge, win or lose.

Other times with a different game, I struggle and have problems and try to nit pick things with the game rather than the way I am playing. Basically making excuses for sucking or expecting to own off the bat and/or not enjoying myself.

But there are yet other games and instances when I DO own right off the bat, do NOT struggle, and yet STILL have problems with the game. Bitching about stuff big or small, and making excuses for why I'm not enjoying myself while I clearly have skill.

I have a hard time looking at these three situations lately and forming a confident opinion about them. Common sense, of which I generally followed for two decades of gaming would say it's simple.

The first game is a well balanced, enjoyable game. For me. Might not be the best at it, but surely not the worst. No complaints, just Diz Puttin' In Work. Havin some fun, gunnin for the #1. These are the best games ever invented yet by mankind in my opinion.

The second game is an absolute piece of garbage. For me. I cannot seem to get a good handle on the game, maybe it's not my forte. I should probably spend my time elsewhere; it's not like BITCHING ever got anybody anywhere... ahem...

The third game is the one where I can't seem to make sense of. Not in the slightest. Why am I making a frowny face in real life while I lay waste to some US SNIPERWOLF and his three squadmates in BF:BC2? Why am I bitching to myself under my breath about blatantly cheating AI in any Armored Core game, while I lay waste to them with overpowered weapons. Why do I constantly pester my brother with complaints about a completely broken player growth system in FIFA 11 (no seriously youth players have negative growth), yet he can sit there unfazed and play with LITERALLY the worst team in the game, while the computer repeatedly rapes his failboat squad with superhuman precision. He doesn't even bat an eyelash about the giant gaping problems with the game. I can play a single match once a day at most before I begin to sour my experience with negativity. So I know and play my limits, cash out with a small util of satisfaction instead of risking snuffing out the last ember of desire I have to play.

At some point, you cave in and accept the flaws of a game as some sort of wabi-sabi charm, or the bugging and nagging eventually burns the desire to own anymore in that game. At least, in the past decade, you can consider coming back after patches, etc...

So I wonder, constantly nowadays, about games and my attitude towards games in general. Of course, like most people, the vast majority of games do not interest me. Very VERY few games are what I would call perfectly balanced with good replayability. Very few. But there are so many games that I have played throughout the years that I've enjoyed, and yet had problems with. And I can't help but address this gut feeling, I mean deep feeling, that Diz and Games are at a schism.

It's a really sinking feeling. The feeling is that a pattern has been growing steadily for fice years. A pattern of finding a game thst shows promise, just like a sexy lady friend, and basically ending the relationship cuz she's 'not the one for me right now'.

And this situation, without resolving itself over the past few years, has created some sort of god damn tumor in my gameface psyche. Now it's at a point where I have some sort of battle, with excuses and reasoning in my head.

One voice in my head says, "Companies put out nothing but shit lately! It's all a money grab for family oriented and casual social gaming now! Facebook and wii! Wheeeeee!!!! Get ready for the downward spiral cuz this is gonna get really ugly. You will not find what you seek in any new game because they all blow ass. Have you seen any commercial for a game lately? Preorder and get this secret in-game Toilet Paper item, but only if you preorder! You should quit while you're ahead. Preserve what memories you have of good gaming and humbly move on with other shit, like your career and your burdgeoning interest in Russian mail order brides from Craigslist and writing Martian mystery novels. It's not worth the effort. The problem is not you, it's the games/companies/______!!!! No seriously!!!"

The other voice in my head says equally depressing shit, along the lines of, "You, Diz, have completely lost touch with what you used to love about games. Exploring. Conquest. Dominating noobs. Racking up head shots to gloat about to some equally-pro no-lifer who also killed 80,000 scrubs with the secret Nuclear Gaybomb. Casting mystical llamas on noobs who recalled in at the WRONG TIME. Nowadays it's this game sucks, that game sucks, this game has horrible AI, this game is shallow with no depth, that game is fun but glitches, etc. All you ever do is complain - this should be better, that should be better, always with the better. Maybe you've just grown too far away from what you really like in games and it's your attitude that poisons your experience with almost all games you play. You should take a long introspective look at what it is you want out of games because you seem to spend more time focusing on the negative and not enough on the positive. Maybe gaming isn't for you anymore. Put down the joystick, take a deep breath, then take a deep bong hit, and watch Cheers. Cheers is cool. That Cliff Claven. He's a funny, alcoholic postman."

So this is what I have been battling with, struggling with, trying to grapple with, like your eyes trying to find an end this sentence or even this entire strangely emo post, and yet the answer doesn't come, and this is how I've felt about games in general, for the better part of five years. It fucking sucks and I have finally decided to open up about it. Here amongst the wolves. I want to know if anyone else feels like I do. I want to know if it's just me or not. I have reasons for asking, too. Deep reasons that make you think, or at least beg for this post to end.

So please, readers of this, analyze like some anonymous wannabe cyber Freuds.

I mean, consider how I feel. Then filter how you feel. THEN, filter how gamers in general and around you feel.

Look around you, and you start to realize it is ALL around you. IPY is basically neck-deep in the trenches, folks. Ffs, the basic premise is "LETS GET THIS FUCKIN THING RIGHT FOR ONCE! UO 2010 WOOHOO!!!" right? I mean we've literally had over a year of continuously pelting Az with ideas. He flings some back, yada yada yada. All we want to do is refine, build upon, make things right, finally set things straight once and for all. Yet where does it end? Ahh, see...

But isn't it healthy to question it the other way around? Maybe we're the problems and the games are right? What if? Again, look around you. Do we really represent the most accepting and optimistic gamers?

Questions like this help me snap back into reality as some sort of reference, even if the reference point is ambiguous, for example "this game sucks" or "the game would be better if X was fixed..." Even if the reference point is a general "things could get better" it still helps your alignment when considering the worth of a game or your time spent playing.

Back to the original example, I would say UO is the first of the three games I described. It is a true gem. Even if it is outdated, obsolete, antiquated, lacking in certain areas, struggling for activity, or dealing with the 2010 gamer playing a 1997 game... it is still a top shelf all-time great.

Right?

So why am I having, no why are WE having problems talking about ideas or fixes or solutions or whatnot?

Take a look at any major game company's forums. They are always littered, even if temporarily, with requests, and pleads, and bargains, and compromises, and petitions, and demands, and even ULTIMATUMS. In 2010, a game is apparently never finished. Always striving for perfection, always striving for harmony and balance and hubris. But hold on - aren't these the same people who always strive for the dollar? And at the end of the day, it's about the bottom line. It's about profit. It's about a target audience. It's about market segmentation and economics. At some point, in some context, there are people who worked on practically every single game who were only involved for one reason, to increase profit. To appeal to certain eager cash holders.

But you look around here, and a grin comes across your face. Az isn't thinking about profits or Trammies. He's thinking about us. Ok he's really thinking about pus- err, you guys. He is concerned with you guys and your happiness and wants to see us all have as much of an impact on making this game an A+++. Like Earth compared to nearby space objects, this is it people. This is the ONE fucking place where people can sit down, speak about their opinions on how UO could be, and see direct and colorful discussion almost immediately. There is no other game at this point in time where I see this occurring and it really makes you feel at home here, like your opinion matters, like you can help influence the game and everything in it for the better. And shit hasn't even hit beta yet.

[Diz]

So maybe there is light at the end of this gaming eclipse, this looming funk that's hovered over what feels like me and and gaming in general for quite some time. While I still fear for gaming and my own attitudes toward it in a long-term context, I am becoming more and more pumped for IPY's relaunch that I can barely contain my excitement.

I look at a never-ending chain of shitty titles, sift through the pile and find a few servicable prospects, but at some point you really need that security blanket, just something special, otherwise you just totally lose faith in games or get a life. After five years of not seeing anything special, it feels really fucking great to see IPY 2.0 turning around the corner and making the home stretch. It's so close you can smell the sulpherous ash in the air. With each 10 for 10 and each proposed idea on the forum, the antipation and expectation builds up. And that really sets me at ease. Like lithium for a schizophrenic, UO is a miracle drug and I personally cannot wait to toke a giant fat joint of 2.0 goodiness. Finally, the sun is on the horizon. A faint glimmer of promise twinkling.

Earlier I brought up how I may have just drifted away from games lately. I would like to think that five years from now I still game and still have a few titles that I can find someone to play with. But I also know that no matter what happens, I will never be able to just "quit" games because I wanted to. I hope IPY 2.0 is still rocking on and everybody has fun still playing it. And after that, 3.0. And 4.0. I never want to give up on a real winner like UO and I doubt I will ever settle for anything less than the best for the game. And that means game design updates, it means in my expectations for whoever captains the ship, it even means in my attitude about things and people in the game.

Earlier I made fun of Elric for being an old IPY thread. Later that day I regretted doing so, not because it was petty or unenecessary or a waste of time. I regret it because the first thing I said to someone I played a game with five years ago was negstive. Even if just a good natured rubbing at best, I started thinking later on that I should've just said whattup. Cuz straight up, I don't care how corny it sounds, every single one of you fucking rock for wanting to be a part of 2.0 and for hopping aboard. I hate coming across as an emo or something, but it's really fucking cool that all of us are here to have fun. Fuck yeah!

Another thing I hinted at but haven't stated is thst I feel like I have become more interested over time in HOW games work, rather than playing them. This surely has had an impact on the way I approach games, and helps explain why I find myself more concerned with balancing iasues and glitches and bad mechanics when I play a new game, rather than just going into it thinking about fun only. I think it is something that I need to actively work on when I play a game, even if I am naturally attracted to the inner workings of the game. It's like people who know cars, once you know about em and whats in them, it changes your entire perspective and alters your perceived experience when driving/riding/looking at/working on cars.

Az, 2.0, and community in general - you guys help rejuvinate my pure love for gaming and help restore my faith in gamers. Az you are a rock and a pioneer, but don't take your eyes off the prize, don't become lazy or unfocused - this is your true purpose in life.

Ok so I've basically smoked two joints in the time it took to type this so that's the mercy bell being rung.

Thoughts? Flames? Numbers for gaming psychiatrists or addresses for game addiction therapy centers? Your turn. What do you think, Sosaria?

[Brogina]

Remember you asked.

First thing i have noticed since i started frequenting az's blogs. I enjoy metaphors, so lets start with one. You meet this guy. He always talks about how tough he is. He wears sleeveless shirts and presents an aura of toughness. Everything you see about this man from his demeanor screams of a guy acting tough. He goes out of his way to appear tough. As the old saying goes , he who barks the loudest..... This hypothetical person is likely putting on this mask as it is something he desires. Toughness is something he values and believes important. However, the fact he feels the need to continually act tough would serve as an indicator to any first year psyche student that be it consciously or sub consciously, he does not see himself as tough. In fact , hes likely insecure about it. So seeing that he believes toughness is significant and he is insecure about his level of toughness, he naturally goes out of his way to act tough.

Now. I think you try to act smart. Aside from this vapidity, feigning introspection as it may, i have not seen it on these boards. It was mostly evident on az's blogs. Taking into consideration the above metaphor i believe you will know where i am going with this. Please do not be offended, as you invited this upon yourself.

Next. About gaming losing its magical touch. Thats inevitable. Nothing will ever replace the awe and wonder of the original UO. It was new. As for the trajectory of the industry, if you look outside of mmo's there are mind numbingly deep sandbox games available. Morrowind for example. But again, you are metaphorically chasing the feeling you had when you first had sex. Nothing will ever compare, because it was fresh, it was new, it was your first. But subconsciously people still chase that feeling, believing change of situations be it partners, positions or locations will help them achieve that which they are subconsciously pursuing. I believe you to be a personality who is chasing an old euphoria. If im right in my analysis (with respect to uo) it will carry over into other areas of your life. Sex for example. If you have been unable to remain faithful, or cannot commit to long term relationships, or are always trying to "spice things up".... these would all be symptoms of chasing a euphoric memory. To which i respond, stop. Nothing will ever compare to your first (and first is a relative term).

As for wanting to know how games work. I recommend that you dont. When i look at games now i see pixels and coding. I see polygons and artificial physics engines. When you know how games really work they lose their magic. It would be like watching a movie just released in theaters but the movie is shot with a camera sitting behind the directors chair. Where you see what he sees. The set, the other cameras, the lights, the mics. To see all of that would be to lose the magic of the movie, as the movies intent is to remove you from your own reality and place you in theirs. Same sort of thing with games.

Hopefully you can accept this for what its worth and remember you invited honest comments. And if you wrote something like that and expect comments to not be honest, well.......... that makes you a huge *******. But, i think ur cool with it. So ya. Thats my response.

[Diz]

Right on Bro. I come across as a tough guy? Or a smarmy guy? I couldn't tell it is difficult to for me to understand the second paragraph, sorry.

I'm really not trying to discuss myself, moreso trying to express where I stand and how I feel about games lately and IPY relaunching. I really felt the urge to post this because I've spent quite some time struggling with the gaming world of today, and where I fit. I'd like to know where other people stand and if they feel similar or different than I and what there reference points are.

Sorry if I came across talking about myself vainly (I wasn't) or if you were saying I act hard and front on people, I hope that you will see I am just an honest and enthusiastic person who gives it straight and hasn't killed anyone in UO in 6 years.

PS - Your part about chasing the euphoria, oh of course, UO was my MMO cherry popper 12 years ago or whatever it was. A cloudy, nostalgic memory. It's difficult to keep that in perspective at times, sure. It certainly doesn't feel the same going into an MMO launch these days as it did 10 yrs ago, but 2.0 changes that. :D

And yes, the more you consider the meta game, the less you consider the YOU game. Must actively work on seperating the two.

[Brogina]

I know how you feel diz. I feel the exact same way, but i realize that i am chasing a euphoric memory. That first time i played mario. Or the first time i played final fantasy 7. Or that first time i played the greatest game ever made, Ultima Online. Im chasing that which isnt feasible to attain. There are some objections to the trajectory of the gaming market which are valid, sure. But some companies stay true. Bethesda, Blizzard, Bioware, Activision(sort of) and Valve have all remained true to the hardcore gamer imo. (blizz i dont mean wow. More the diablos and whatnot) There is reason to be discouraged as gaming companies target the largest of all fish, the casual gamer. But there are so many companies whose bread and butter is the hardcore gamer. Who if they turn their back on, they will lose (see squaresoft). What i do is stick with those companies, and give the finger to the rest. I simply wont play games made by a developer that i deemed to have "sold out". But one thing i acknowledge is that no matter how good ipy2 is, nothing will ever compare to my first weeks on pacific. Nothing, ever. The same way sex will never be as good as that first time. Or my awesome car was amazing when i first drove it, but now........ its just a plain old car. Sure, i could shell out for a newer flashier one, and experience that feeling again. But i know human nature, and i know in time that euphoria will fade, and it too will become just another car. And i will be stuck again wanting to buy another one.

So my opinion, is that what you have noticed about gaming is indicative of human nature present in the masses. Only thing is, most people dont realize it. And are always chasing the next lay, or high, or dollar or game.

[Pud.S]

group therapy ITT.

[Slayerik]

Well, seeing as I have went through some huge changes as a gamer myself (in the past decade) I figure I'll chime in.

You're getting old. I'm old, and I can see my oldness in you. You have played every fucking shooter out there. You can still dominate people but it just isn't the same anymore. The MMOs just bore you after a week or a month. WoW was fun for a minute, until it's true grindy trammel colors showed through.

I personally have tried just about every MMO since UO launched, and nothing compares. Eve Online, even with it's horrible UI and combat, came kinda close for me. It had risk/reward. It had sweet PVP. Losing a battle mattered. You can grief people (I was a empire suicide ganker for money). Shadowbane was cool for a buggy minute.

Obviously, UO is something special. There would never have been so many attempts to recreate this age if it wasn't. I am completely pumped about starting here fresh. It's really my last chance at enjoying an MMO again, as it is the type I enjoy (and they don't make).

The first time I see a red/orange/grey, and my heart starts pumping and I cast 'In Por Ylem' - we'll see if the magic comes back. I'm pretty sure it will.

I have 3 month old twin babies at home. I have a 8 year old daughter and 7 year old son as well. But you are damn skippy that I'm gonna kill and be killed by the lot of ya. I always somehow keep up pretty well with the guys that can play all day. I'm a macroing machine and a powergamer (when I have a minute to do it :)

Glory days, they'll pass you by. Hope you find fun again here at IPY. Maybe it will be over my corpse, but don't count on it :)

[Az]

this is your true purpose in life.

JESUS CHRIST I HOPE NOT.

[Diz]

Slayerik - Yes, yes, yes. I do feel like I'm getting old (lol) as a gamer. It is difficult to accept that sometimes. I'm not the average gamer, probably never was, but I feel I am no longer a part of the targeted consumer base for the majority of games that come out. Maybe this is just a result of my attitude hasn't matured enough yet to accept this even though my tastes have.

Yes we all grow up and move on with stuff over the years, but it's this god damned UO that I always look to as some sort of reference point of "the good old days" and "how things should've been".

It's like a big cosmic geek joke, you're always chasing that dream game, even when there are tons of enjoyable titles right under your nose. Maybe it really is vain and arrogant to sit around bitching about games rather than pushing all the bs aside, sitting down, and just focusing on owning noobs and having a good time.

Az, make light of it all you want, but you cannot tell the thousand or so people waiting on 2.0 with a straight face to go away. You can't look one of these players in the eye and tell them to f off. Embrace your nerd calling. Unfurl your ultra-geek wings and fly! Gather all UO dreamers and whisk them away on a magical rainbow to your special world filled with all the joys those lovable scamps desire. I gotta be honest with you, no disrespect, but if I were you I would've just laughed when myself or others asked you to make IPY again. I would not be capable of putting myself through the never-ending firing squad of complainers and griefers and noobs and crazy shit. But you face all that shit and welcome it with open arms as you run your army towards to promised land, like Moses outta Egypt. Straight up. You are fucking Moses.

[Brogina]

Gather all UO dreamers and whisk them away on a magical rainbow to your special world filled with all the joys those lovable scamps desire


Is it a magical double rainbow? All the way?

[Basia]

I understand some of the sentiments. Mine are a tad different, but still end up in the same place I suppose. I've gotten to the point where I rarely game anymore. I played WOW for a while, but it became a serious waste of time. If you can't stand up from a game when you want to take a piss or go grab a cheeseburger then it just becomes a hassle. I'm not saying there is neccessarily a pause button in UO, but you can certainly hide under a tree if need be. Although I don't play many games anymore, I do keep up with them due to the fact that hubby lives at the computer and only removes his ass to eat and sleep. (Thankfully, I'm no longer aggravated by the annoyance of Eve Online and his constant boo-hooing when losing a ship) If anything, I'm more drawn to crawling into bed with the PSP and essentially putting myself to sleep playing whatever current FF game is in there.

However, my weakness is UO and always has been. Over the years I have moved, changed jobs, and had another rugrat. Life has changed, but my patterns have not. I have been a consistent lurker of not only Az's site, but some other UO/gaming related sites and forums as well. I've kept up with people from IPY on a first name basis. I find myself sidetracked by old screenshots when transferring things to my external harddrive. Maybe I've continued to check up on things from a nostalgic standpoint. Or maybe I'm entirely selfish and was just waiting for this.

Either way, I've aged considerably. I've gotten fatter, moodier, quite possibly wiser, and I'm not really into wasting time clicking buttons and screaming obscenities at the screen. But...I would be lying to say that I don't want to or that I won't. I already know I will be a complete and total hypocrite come launch because I've already heard hubby say "You give me grief for being on the computer all the time and you're talking about playing again?"

You damn right.

[Diz]

Mhm mhm mhm... Preach on, Sister Basia...

You are one cool cat and I think you and I are on the same level.

I mean, it IS an inevitability. Right? Can't play UO forever. Can't play GAMES forever. At least with the same consistant attitude and minset you can't. Especially these days when change is the only constant in MMOs and online games.

I suspect I will be Mick Jaggering 50 years from now, soldiering on in some Call of Duty: Special Unicorn Zombie Ops game. Facepalming every time a squadmate teamkills me, then I get on my hologram chat and bitch about how whippersnappers back in my day had some common sense!

IPY is sort of like Nintendo is some respects, you know what to expect for the most part but still feel so intense about it that you can still go in with an open attitude and try new things or challenge yourself.